It’s a bright blue day, and you are relaxing as you watch the sunrise and drink a dirty martini. Life is beautiful as a single girl when you are living it like they show in some of our favorite shows. But, let’s check back into reality, and remember the ugly mornings of hangovers and dark circles, yes, having feelings when you are single can turn ugly, mainly because you don’t know what to do. Or well, it takes a while to figure it out.
As a girl who loves the single life and has been pretty single for around 4 years, I know that many females have a hard time walking into the “feelings” bit. A lot of people start believing that as single women you are either looking for love or blocking it out. There’s no in between, no one understands that you are not blocking out love- you let people in but a lot of times you have to choose yourself over a relationship. That’s alright, it really is, women can choose themselves, their careers, their mental wellbeing, or any other reasons for staying single. They can choose their dream life over a marriage, that’s okay.
But having feelings when you are single can be very complicated.
Being single is nice, we live life on our own rules (or our mom’s rules if we are living under her roof). We choose whether we want a day in or day out. We can decide to look good every single day just for ourselves and be told we are lucky to be so beautiful. Rather than people continuously telling our significant other how lucky they are to have us. The single life is not completely easy either, we have a lot of decisions to make as do most people in general. We just don’t have one simple aspect of life that people give a little too much importance to, we don’t have a romantic relationship.
Sometimes, people even start questioning our sexuality.
Yup, when you are single for a long time certain people start believing that you are just not sure about your sexuality. And sure, sometimes that is the case and we maybe do need to figure out what our sexuality is. But, a lot of people in relationships go through the same struggle. There’s a reason more people search “Is my husband gay” on Google rather than “Is my husband cheating”.
Yet the worst part is when we fall into a spiral of emotions for a somebody. The hardest part of being single and having feelings for someone is figuring out who to tell. Our friends are divided into the ones that think we fall in love every week or the ones that think we never fall in love. Our family is usually so overjoyed with the idea of us finally having feelings for someone that they start discussing a future. Talking out what you feel is the easiest way to cope with any kind of emotion, especially when you like someone, but sometimes we don’t really have anyone to talk to.
We also want to make sure we are not wasting our time.
After a longitudinal break in dating, we also want to make sure we are not just wasting our time on someone. Sure, we have a good lot of random hookups, and we do flirt a lot. However, when the feelings start to feel real, we need to be very careful that the other person feels the same way. A lot of girls are single because they have walls, and if we are putting those walls down the person should at least be worth it.
That is where everything starts looking a lot less like a fairy tale. People say “just go for it” but sometimes you just cannot. When you like someone you need to know what is at stake. Your emotional health might change due to rejection, are you willing to go through that? You might have to spend more time speaking to this person rather than focusing on an upcoming project. Does your time allow that? Your family might think he is the one. Is he the kind of person that would be accepted into your life by everyone?
The toughest question of them all is “Are you really falling for this person?”
After multiple hookups, and a bunch of random ties with random people. After all the real connections with lifelong friends. It’s hard to differentiate what is “liking” from “infatuation”. You would need to do some introspection and figure out whether or not the feelings are real. This is not just for yourself, it is also for the person who you might be involved in your life. When we start to think about this other person, we need to be honest with ourselves. Are we really going to try to make it work? Are we going to be helpful for this person? Will it be worth this person’s time? Because knowing that we want to stay single, and the other person wants commitment can get messy.
Live in the moment, but don’t have a blindfold for the future.
Know that your feelings are real. Having feelings when you are single can be such a beautiful transition. It is a risk and when you are willing to take it, you allow your life to change. Relationships, like dreams, should make you feel a thousand different emotions. One of them is probably going to be fright. Being single teaches you a lot about yourself, and that means you learn how to calculate the future. Living in the moment is amazing, and everyone should do it, and everyone should choose love. But know that people are also involved in your life.
This question of how our feelings and decisions influence someone else is what makes these decisions both extremely easy and extremely hard.
You have to know that eventually, things are going to transform. That you are going to have to commit. Truth is, you have to figure out whether you have the time for a real relationship or not. Do you have time to be hurt if it does not go as planned? Does this person want the same things from the future as you do? It’s necessary to keep a pros-cons list when it comes to feelings.
Choose wisely when you are choosing to like someone.
However, girls, don’t be too hard on yourself. Give everything time. Falling in “like” can be a disaster but it can also be the start of something new. Know what you want and then go for it.
Don’t forget to check out the whole Single and Loving It Series.
XoXo Queen X